i dont trust myself

i dont trust myself anymore to not hurt who ever i meet. I hurt my mom my bestfriends my family and what ever boy comes my way. My insecurities and lack of reasurance always leads me down the wrong path. I go to sleep feeling a certain way and i wake up feeling the complete opposite. Why couldn't we have just worked out. Things were so simple back in the day. I can sit here and tell myself everything happens for a reason. But what is that reason, cause it just doesn't seem worth it anymore. I miss you more than i let my self realize. You made me understand myself, You made me complete. I miss your scent your touch your lips but most of all your voice. This isn't about you however. This is about how i feel like im trapped in a maze with no correct outlet. I keep crashing into the same wall. The wall of friends falling for me and me not making the right decision and getting in to deep. I know who makes me happiest but at times i dont feel like the passion is there. Maybe im not letting myself see the light. OR maybe i just dont want to see it. I wanna see you. I know we can't happen. Not now. I think its about time i end all ties and for once in my life have NO guys. Im not even sure what type of life that is honestly. Ive been living this way since i was 12 and it served me perfectly. All games must always come to an end. And it seems mine has ended or atleast needs a break. I need a sign atleast to point me in the right direction. I'm a mess. Im bitter im useless. Im incomplete. My "hapiness" is an alibi for the sadness i feel inside.



I love you

weekend

deadmau5 was awesome!!! i met alot of really cool people and the show was amazing. i want to go back ever so badly. saturday was a very chill day although patchy got injured and i felt really bad about it. =/ i helped her get better though. I got to level 13 of tetris !!! 79,995 points what!
saturday night was very chill...smoked out with miry annabelle and manny. And sunday i slept 13 hours! woke up at 3:30 and had lunch. with manny at don pan. it was a good weekend to put a hold to our relationship. I hope my head gets straight

School

school is gay. deadmau5 is tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im looking foward to this event, since i couldn't enjoy tiesto. i hope all works out well. im feeling better today. i began choreographing there everywhere since waiting for my team seems ridiculous.

2 steps away

Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real
Want to be your everything Everything...
Everything's falling, and I am included in that
Oh, how I try to be just okay
Yeah, but all I ever really wanted
Was a little piece of you



how can the person that seems so perfect for once seem so out of reach at the same time. im afraid to move foward. im afraid to say how to feel. im afraid to leap and fall. I need to let one go to find out what it is im feeling. its time i grow up and spread my wings and fly to a new state of mind. Money and trust issues can't hold me back. my mom doesn't decide my future i do. she isn't happy with her own, how could she ever choose my path. I feel scared yet anxious to reach the next step. I dont want to hurt you... but its your feelings that ive kept in mind for so long that have caused me to hurt my own. I love you but only as a friend, not until you become some one your not. and i dont want to say its to late. but its to early to tell. maybe sometime in the near future but as for now i need to find myself. i haven't been able to breathe with you breathing down my neck for the past year. i dont regret being with you, but i do regret letting it get this far. i will miss you

Stress

A persons worst enemy. Stress can't make things better just worse, i didn't realize i was as stressed as i am. But the attitude i give off, the fact that i can't memorize anything anymore and my constant confusion. Didnt arise from one day to the next. I have kept my self busy to avoid the situation of speaking to krewd. But sadly it has now become my busy schedule plus krewd and manny and everything. i really dont know what to do, its one of those can't live with you can't live without you sort of ordeals. Friends? dont really feel like i got any. My cousins a mess and my sister is ... distant... I feel bad for manny really i do he considers me his everything and im sure i could too, i just need to lose him. Now i know you can't just ask someone to break up with you, and making the decision on your own doesn't have the same sentimental value. Im a little fucked up in the head right now... off to the gym

I will always love him
5 words i always said
but feared to believe


i want to let you go

Back to the future

Ive decided to stop writing about the past and write about the future. I am now in two teams. Coral Park illusion dancers and kick it up competition team for jazz production and hiphop. I am currently working on getting a higher gpa. Getting down to 120 lbs. Scoring atleast an 1150 on my SAT. And to be more sociable. I still have days that im weaker than others. but im learning to manage. A wise person once said "Once you start, you can't look back not even to give you momentum to keep going foward" now that wise person is unknown and im not even sure those were his exact words, But its close enough. My days have been going by quicker, and i am more pleased in everything i do. I can tell my dancing has improved. And i haven't spoken to krewd in almost 3 weeks even though it feels like more cause i didn't talk to him when i was in puerto rico or even a couple of days before that. Oh thats right i went to puerto rico this summer ! the trip was different i had my moments of fun... and my moments of wanting to swim back to florida just to get away from my family. But all in all it was a good experience to appreciate what i have, and it gave me time away from manny to realize how much he really is an importance to my life. When i got back me and manny were better than ever.. We rented a hotel on the 17th which would have been our 1 year of knowing each other and we rolled BFB (big fat balls) hahaha. I have never had such a great day in my life. It was like we were married and on vacation. We spent hours talking and singing along to songs. We went to the pool and got blown up by the magical sun. I fell in love with the cold plung. (for anyone that does not know what a cold plung is, its below 40 degrees farenheit, and normally i would turn and run the other way. But between the smell of the resteraunt the heat of the sun and the coldness of the water i had scencory over load, WHICH IS AWESOME! I reallly love him, some days more than others. Like when he offers me timb platter i HATE him =) lmfao ....... HMMMM lets see, I haven't seen ashley like in 3 weeks and me and caro are getting along really good, but only in school ofcourse besides that she really doesn't talk to me, which is okai. I have made a lot of new friends in a span of 2 weeks since school has been going on. I love all the girls from illusions, and i have talked to like 5 girls from kick it up that seem atleast a little nice. I however despise the whole garcia family. Ruth and raymond can both die and i swear it would not impact my day at all, unless maybe a smile on my behalf. Well i need to go study for my SAT . Bye!

Annabelle

Annabelle always tangles me and her up in a web of lies. so we are officially not on speaking terms. First time it happens. Super odd to me. We haven't talked for 2 days. Krewd came to my house today cause its the 17th. I dont see me and him lasting much longer this is getting annoying. The having to sneak him in. I told manny how ever. I think he deserves to know when i see him

He texted me!!

Manny finally decided to wipe his ass with what i said. Thank god, about time he finally does. He truly doesn't get the fact that, thats what he needs to do sometime. Pull me out of my current mentality and show me there is a better way.

I think its time

I think thats its time to make a final decision. If i keep missing krewd it must obviously mean cause i can't live with out him and i must want him. So ive decided i can no longer talk to manny until i decide i really want to be with him and its gonna suck cause he is truly my best friend but i got to do it. I let manny know already. and hes willing to go along with my decision as i please.

I finally saw krewd today its been about a month. All i can do is talk about manny though. I truly dont get myself. I have krewd i want manny. I have manny i want krewd. Wtf is wrong with me. Im truly a demented fuck.

As for my mom she is giving me a super hard time about krewd have being in my house. Ughhhh why can't she just let it be

Stupid me

I have offically one the retard award of 2009. I went 2 weeks without talking to him and i texted him saying happy new year. I think i should just leave it at this cause we know it wasn't a smart choice

New years

Manny spent New years with me =) its as if were going out even though were not. We had awesome sex in mariels complex in the Taurus. First time of the year was him =) haha. We did absolutely nothing after though boring new year night