Graduation

Mondays

well its monday, and im sore. People from dance annoy me. Im not really in the mood. My dance competition was yesterday and we ended up doing better than i expected. Hip Hop one first :) just as we suspected. I need a back massage. Im dying to go home early. I hope we cook something in cooking usually that wakes me up and puts me in a good mood. Thursdays early release. Im debating in between gym time or sleep time. haha i have an ultra/prom goal. Nothing really is a motivation anymore, all this stress for never being able to take it slow or relax really wears me out. i hope to find my self soon

alive

i can't sleep. im running out of things to do. im sick. its been a terrible day. I miss manny and how he's always there for me. My friend got arrested. i feel alone. empty. incomplete. confused. idk what to do. Are these one of those days that god throws at you? to prove to you how much you can actually take? im taking it okai. i haven't cried. I dont think i have many tears now a days. Nothing seems worth it anymore. Im interested then i lose interest. I want to feel as i have before once upon a time. My mind plays with my heart. They never agree. I want to be taught a dance by someone inspirational; like mia michaels. I want to run endlesly and not have this cold stop me half way down the block. I want to jump into the ocean and not be afraid of the creatures that live in it. I want to smile and mean it today.



i want to feel alive

im worth more than the occasional i love you

i always put myself down. im done doing so. i dont see why i ever did to begin with. i always compared my self to others, instead of really appreciating myself for who i really am. i am a great friend, funny, loving, good spirit, big hearted and beautiful; soon to be 18 years old. i dont know if it was my mom who brought me down so low, or the occasional ridicule of peers as i was growing up. could it be my first love who always seemed to bring me down more than he ever realized. Was it the age i always wanted to be but couldn't reach? i surrounded my self with things i thought were keeping me happy, but really only kept me held down in the darkness. i never realize what i have infront of me. Im always striving for more. Thinking of what it could have been. Or possibly realizing it all when it was gone. Why must i lose something to realize it. How could i change this negative trait that i have become. It seems at times that others see what i cannot see in myself. I frequently feel ugly even while people are telling me i look great. I feel sad even when nothings going on. I feel confused when my life should be making perfect sence. I am tired with 10 hours of rest. I dont see how my life took this toll. I want to blame it on Krewds mom but how long can i keep pointing a finger at her. i feel its the negative energy i surrounded myself with while i was growing up. I never had a good taste for friends. I now clinch onto the friends that my sister and cousin share. Its still not enough. It doesn't feel like there mine still. I dont see me hanging out with them without her. Not including the fact that i will forever be the baby of the group..its not really a title im proud of. Mariel and annabelle are taking me to cavalia for my birthday this thursday. Im glad i get to miss dance. I HATE that dance. Its sad to think 2 teachers could really make me turn against what i love. I wish i could read there brains just to understand what is with the personal vandetta? i dont think i have ever done anything to them. but they seem to have it out for me. My dance teacher ms. Perry believes in me, and i love her for that. Not many students like her and i dont understand why. On another note i have continued at the gym for 1 year now. 7 months comitted. It feels great when i go, i feel inspired, hopeful and leaner. But when i dont go i feel the opposite. I have lost weight but im still not satisfied. My goal is Ultra and prom. I hope i realize my love for manny before that. Im just afraid to feel it for a month again and lose it all over again. Its really the age and time. i wasn't ready to meet my soul mate so young in life. i really do feel something special for him though.


writing always does me great

i dont trust myself

i dont trust myself anymore to not hurt who ever i meet. I hurt my mom my bestfriends my family and what ever boy comes my way. My insecurities and lack of reasurance always leads me down the wrong path. I go to sleep feeling a certain way and i wake up feeling the complete opposite. Why couldn't we have just worked out. Things were so simple back in the day. I can sit here and tell myself everything happens for a reason. But what is that reason, cause it just doesn't seem worth it anymore. I miss you more than i let my self realize. You made me understand myself, You made me complete. I miss your scent your touch your lips but most of all your voice. This isn't about you however. This is about how i feel like im trapped in a maze with no correct outlet. I keep crashing into the same wall. The wall of friends falling for me and me not making the right decision and getting in to deep. I know who makes me happiest but at times i dont feel like the passion is there. Maybe im not letting myself see the light. OR maybe i just dont want to see it. I wanna see you. I know we can't happen. Not now. I think its about time i end all ties and for once in my life have NO guys. Im not even sure what type of life that is honestly. Ive been living this way since i was 12 and it served me perfectly. All games must always come to an end. And it seems mine has ended or atleast needs a break. I need a sign atleast to point me in the right direction. I'm a mess. Im bitter im useless. Im incomplete. My "hapiness" is an alibi for the sadness i feel inside.



I love you

weekend

deadmau5 was awesome!!! i met alot of really cool people and the show was amazing. i want to go back ever so badly. saturday was a very chill day although patchy got injured and i felt really bad about it. =/ i helped her get better though. I got to level 13 of tetris !!! 79,995 points what!
saturday night was very chill...smoked out with miry annabelle and manny. And sunday i slept 13 hours! woke up at 3:30 and had lunch. with manny at don pan. it was a good weekend to put a hold to our relationship. I hope my head gets straight

School

school is gay. deadmau5 is tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im looking foward to this event, since i couldn't enjoy tiesto. i hope all works out well. im feeling better today. i began choreographing there everywhere since waiting for my team seems ridiculous.