im worth more than the occasional i love you

i always put myself down. im done doing so. i dont see why i ever did to begin with. i always compared my self to others, instead of really appreciating myself for who i really am. i am a great friend, funny, loving, good spirit, big hearted and beautiful; soon to be 18 years old. i dont know if it was my mom who brought me down so low, or the occasional ridicule of peers as i was growing up. could it be my first love who always seemed to bring me down more than he ever realized. Was it the age i always wanted to be but couldn't reach? i surrounded my self with things i thought were keeping me happy, but really only kept me held down in the darkness. i never realize what i have infront of me. Im always striving for more. Thinking of what it could have been. Or possibly realizing it all when it was gone. Why must i lose something to realize it. How could i change this negative trait that i have become. It seems at times that others see what i cannot see in myself. I frequently feel ugly even while people are telling me i look great. I feel sad even when nothings going on. I feel confused when my life should be making perfect sence. I am tired with 10 hours of rest. I dont see how my life took this toll. I want to blame it on Krewds mom but how long can i keep pointing a finger at her. i feel its the negative energy i surrounded myself with while i was growing up. I never had a good taste for friends. I now clinch onto the friends that my sister and cousin share. Its still not enough. It doesn't feel like there mine still. I dont see me hanging out with them without her. Not including the fact that i will forever be the baby of the group..its not really a title im proud of. Mariel and annabelle are taking me to cavalia for my birthday this thursday. Im glad i get to miss dance. I HATE that dance. Its sad to think 2 teachers could really make me turn against what i love. I wish i could read there brains just to understand what is with the personal vandetta? i dont think i have ever done anything to them. but they seem to have it out for me. My dance teacher ms. Perry believes in me, and i love her for that. Not many students like her and i dont understand why. On another note i have continued at the gym for 1 year now. 7 months comitted. It feels great when i go, i feel inspired, hopeful and leaner. But when i dont go i feel the opposite. I have lost weight but im still not satisfied. My goal is Ultra and prom. I hope i realize my love for manny before that. Im just afraid to feel it for a month again and lose it all over again. Its really the age and time. i wasn't ready to meet my soul mate so young in life. i really do feel something special for him though.


writing always does me great